no but women are so badass okay
because there will inevitably come a point in every woman’s life where she wakes up in a pool of her own blood and her reaction will be dammit now i have to do laundry
that is some suave superhero shit and you won’t ever be able to convince me otherwise
When your teacher is nice but can’t fucking teach
When your teacher is mean but teaches really good
When you’re teacher is nice and teaches really well, but the class is full of fucking twats
When the students are well behaved but the Teacher is still a fucking bitch
when your teacher keeps getting replaced because it’s defence against the dark arts
When you’re singing alone on a golf course
to me it’s weird having good memories of someone and NOT feeling horribly sad when remembering them because they’ve turned into your worst nightmare or are gone or both and you’re actually still making good memories with them
“White? I think you mean Republican,” said the racist Democrat.
Critiquing shit you love is as important as critiquing shit you hate
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.” —Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via jesusfuckmechrist)
there’s this big hair war happening on tumblr and it’s ridiculous because why do people want to even touch someone else’s hair anyway? that’s just weird.
am i the only one who thought the boston bombers were part of some terrorist plot by the russians to restart the cold war?
it’s really funny when rich people think they’re poor.
why would i want a thigh gap anyways what are u gonna do look at another girl through it i dont think so
Reason #608 why I love the people of tumblr.
i’ve never been totally sure about what i want to do with my life. so i think i’ll start a revolution. i think i could be good at that.
I’m reading “The Given Day” by Dennis Lehane. It’s (surprisingly) not a murder mystery, but rather takes place in America in the years following World War 1 and focuses on the working class’s struggle as well as those of immigrants and POC. He’s sort of connecting them all, showing the similarities and differences.
I’m not sure what it says about us as a country that the only differences are that minimum wage is technically higher, the immigrants we dislike are Middle Easterners, Mexicans, and Latinas instead of Italians, Russians, and the Polish, and segregation is now technically illegal. But realizing nothing has actually changed is kind of really…sad.